Some women possess the personality required to “take care of men” in their love lives.
The semi-conscious hope is that she will take care of a lover well enough that he will be able to return the favor at some point later on.
The fact is, these ‘childhood/adolescent needs for love do not belong in her adult love relationship. An adult lover cannot give the love a father was supposed to give.
To a considerable extent, this feeling of loss can be relieved by the presence of an emotionally mature and loving mother who can wear two hats, meaning function in the role of both mother and father while dismantling her daughter’s feelings of self-blame for her father’s absence.
Other adult men in a young girl’s life become important as father figures when sanctioned by her mother.
Identifying with an unavailable father can occur in the form of picking unavailable lovers, or turning oneself into an unavailable lover or both.
The point is unavailability or absence becomes part of the daughter’s love life.
I’ve also organized our treatment of this topic into three parts: your (daughter) emotional need for your father, what you should learn from your father, and what parts of your father’s personality you might identify with.
Just as with a son, a daughter needs to experience the presence and love of a stable father growing up.
If her mother’s emotional health and maturity are inadequate to the task, chances are unresolved grief and self-blame will negatively influence her.
When this happens it is common for a daughter to look to boyfriends, lovers, and eventually husbands to provide the love that has been missing from her father.
When a father is unavailable physically and/or emotionally there is a greater possibility that he will influence his daughter’s personality in a negative way.
It is very common for a child to identify with an absent parent as if the absence itself promotes the child’s psychological identification with that parent.
A woman who makes it to adulthood with unresolved needs for her father’s love can act this out in a committed love relationship or marriage by expecting her lover or husband to make up for all the love she has lost.