Related: You were wondering when baby tigers were going to come up, weren't you? But if you, like me, will only accept perfectly carved goatees on ex-Backstreet Boys members and Riff-Raff ONLY, then left it is and let's move on. Photos of him brewing beer in small batches; carelessly strumming his acoustic guitar while admiring a distant sunrise; heavily filtered pictures of him and his attractive friends at a farm-to-table brunch; selfies resembling one of the cards in the game "Guess Who?
"; ironically making himself look much more unattractive then he actually is (who is the joke on in this case? **********NOTE: ALL THESE PHOTOS FEATURE BEARDS AND SOMETIMES UPTURNED MUSTACHES********** Some reference to pop culture to prove he is in the know and has a sense of humor: "It's going down, I'm yelling Tinderrrrr." Though this can also swing 180, pretentiously referencing records, bikes, or arthouse cinema. Swipe right, but prepare for texting with this fellow for a couple of weeks before he finally works up the courage to ask you to "hang out" with him and his friends via text. Just don't be surprised when you finally see his house and he keeps apologizing for all the toys his "niece" leaves all over the living room, or when he eventually brings up the fact that him and his ex-wife shares custody of said "niece." Age: 39. "I am dust and live in an urn" is what his bio should say.
Sometimes you see a cute dog pic and your instinct is to swipe right imeeds. You're drunk** of a man's back as he admires a scenic overlook; view of a man surfing from 3 blocks away; group shot taken with more than one person, or worse, multiple group shots; selfie taken in the dead of night. But if there is no photo of the man whatsoever, take that square, drag it to the left, and let's never talk about it again.
Either he's being really forward with you or that "thinking of you" text was only sent to you because he wasn't paying attention.4. You get a text that seems like it was meant for someone else. His other social media profiles are really private. You're thinking things are going really well so far. Is he sleeping during the day and going out at night to fight crime? He sends 15 texts in a row when you don't respond right away. Time to send nine more just to make sure you're not missing them. attentive now, just wait until you meet in person.5. You're probably hoping he has a sexy, checkered past. In reality, he just doesn't want you to find out about his DUI.6. He knows better than to explicitly text, "I m so horne," or ask for pictures of your breasts, but he's . There's no way anyone showers or lifts that much, bro.8. You've had plans to meet up on multiple occasions, and something always happens. People are always checking him out when he walks down the street, but he hates the attention. Even if it's a really pretty dick, the odds that this guy is going to be a good husband are slim to none. He calls you "baby" within his first three messages.You're really hitting it off, but the dude is basically a ghost. No one who online dates is "off the grid." He's hiding a dark secret (or he just has a girlfriend).2. And then suddenly you don't hear from him for 12 hours. Either his mom gets sick or he gets a flat tire or his mom gets sick again. Bailing eight times means he's hoping you'll send him nude pictures without him ever having to actually meet you.9. He's always complaining about the long hours he works, but he makes really good money, so it's OK. Everyone likes to talk themselves up when you first meet them, but he really forces conversations in odd directions just to get the chance to make himself look cool. Unless you are actually a giant baby, Benjamin Button-style, there's no reason for some guy you don't know to call you that.How much do you like to cuddle while discussing indie music? Instead, The Old Man will lay the charm on thick because, at this point in his life, it's all he has left.
"We can say we met in a Whole Foods" another classic old mannerism, in that it's a line people haven't used on Tinder since the dark ages. Once you and your future co-star in The Notebook 2 mutually like each other, good news! But if he seems non-murdery and, you know, maybe foreign, crack open a Stella and get your groove back. I've crunched the numbers (numbers = smoked almonds), and come up with this informative Tinder guide for you ladies wading into the digital dating poo.I will challenge you and when need be, call you on your sh*t. (Then again, you'll always have this Tumblr, Tinder Guys With Tigers.) Other Vegas Baby pics: Posing in clubs with women many levels out of their league; grabbing the bottle of vodka from a random table to snap a quick pic and hoping no one notices; fedoras, facial hair, bad suits, pick-up artist vibes. Google just bought it from me but it's still my baby." In the words of Dark Helmet in Spaceballs… You're just gonna have to settle for one of the above.Playful, outdoorsy, health conscious.") If you're up at 7 AM for a sunrise hike, or give yourself the heavy guilt trip when you skip a leg day at the gym, congrats! Enjoy your own people, have fun at your mud runs, and please, take them off the hands of people like me, whose idea of a strenuous workout is crossing an entire outlet mall in a leisurely four hours. If Fedora The Explorer is your type, then *slot-machine noises* you've just won big. It is not my Tinder profe pic, but it was my FB profile pic many years back because my rack looks great in it.) Grainy photos taken with a webcam in the dude's basement, mere feet where he'll likely eventually store you after whatever ritual he has in mind; Smiling close-ups that reveal all of his teeth; posing next to women whose eyes he's covered with X's; sharpening his hatchet. "Fooooled Youuuu." Keep swiping, left, right, left… Sure, you're "secreting" him onto this app as we speak, but The Perfect Man will play coy, avoiding Tinder at all costs. Dog cocking his head sideways, eyebrows up; grown man holding two kittens up to ears to keep them warm; prospective future boyfriend rolling around on the grass with his puppy; man of your dreams slow-dancing with a husky.